Weight on your back

I joined a cross fit gym a few months ago.  It has been one of the hardest things I have ever done. It pushes me both physically, and mentally.  Everyday I wonder if I will make it through the workout and fight a battle inside myself. The one thing that I have been thinking alot about is lifting weights.  We lift often.  We do a heavy lift day every four days, however we usually incorporate some lighter lifting into our WOD's (workout of the day) several times a week.  Last week we did front squats.  I saw this meme.

I have been thinking about this for days.  I totally agree. Usually when I get ready to lift I start with a lighter weight and slowly build up.  When I get to a working weight I start my workout for the day.  Usually it is something like 6 sets of 5 reps.  The thing I have realized is usually the weight is so heavy that I am afraid every rep.  When I take that bar off the rig I am afraid that I will not be able to stand up after I have squatted. I am afraid of failure.  However, one thing I am realizing is that when you keep putting yourself out there, always chasing a heavier weight, always trying for a PR, you will fail. You will get to the point that you have maxed out and are not able to stand back up with that heavy weight on your back.  Failure is ok.  If you are working hard and chasing your dreams, you will fail.  The thing about a back squat is that if you fail you just let the bar roll off your back as you step forward and the weigh falls off.

I loved this idea when I was thinking about failure.  As we work towards our goals and are chasing our dreams, there will be failures. As we are trying to survive this journey we call life, we will fall.  It is what you do with your failure!  Do you let that heavy weight hold us down or do we let it roll of our back and stand up.  Do we turn around and try to make the lift again or do we walk out of the gym?  Do we cuss and swear and throw a tantrum? It is what we do with our failure that makes us who we are.

We have to pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and pick that bar back up. You have to have the tenacity to keep trying.  You eventually will be able to stand up under the immense weight on your back. Failure will happen but if you keep at it, you will eventually make the lift. We can't be so afraid of the failure.  It is what makes us the people we are.  This so much more than the successful lifts.

  There are days when life is just too heavy and my muscles are just too fatigued to stand back up. I can't do it! No matter what I do I just can't stand back up.  In my life, I know that my Savior and Heavenly Father are on both ends of my barbell. On those days where I HAVE to stand back up and I just can't do it, I know they are on each end and lifting where I can't!  I am so grateful for that knowledge and the spiritual and physical strength I have received from squatting!

Wholesome Recreation

Hiking, trips to the coast, backpacking, road trips, scuba diving,  camping, drive-in movies, Portland Saturday market, and game nights is just a short list of the things that my family has done together this summer.

D. Todd Christofferson says, "Just as honest toil gives rest its sweetness, wholesome recreation is the friend and steadying companion of work."

It seem sometimes that all this life revolves around is finishing the work week only to begin again the next Monday. The truth is, we need a break from that work. We need a time move away from the grind and to spend time with our families.

Elder Oaks states, "Remember that our Savior Jesus Christ always builds us up and never tears us down. We should apply the power of that example in the ways we use our time including our recreation and our diversions."

What better way to apply the example of Jesus Christ than to spend time with our family? The more time we spend with our family in a wholesome environment, the stronger those relationships will become.

M. Russel Ballard states, "Seeking out the best recreation can actually provide families with spiritual nourishment to overcome trials and resist temptations."

What better blessing could we ask for by simply giving up our time to have a good time with our families?

I am blessed with the time I have been able to spend with my family this summer because I know that it has given renewed strength to my children and myself as we have become closer. We have climbed mountains and descended beneath the ocean together. From sleeping on the cold ground to laughing through a movie, this summer of wholesome recreation has brought my family closer together.

For that small moment

Sometimes I get down on myself because I am not able to give my children everything I think they deserve.  Do they have the necessities of life? Absolutely...they have never once went hungry, been without clothing, or not had a home to call their own.  However, they haven't always had the vacations I would like to take them on or they opportunities to go to EFY or other activities they wanted to try like horses.  Since becoming a single mother, it has been even harder to provide all the things I want for my kids.  Now, if I read another mom's blog post saying those things I would instantly want to tell her that those things are not important.  I know it, but this is the truth of this mama's heart.  I want to take my kids to Disneyland. I want to go on a church history trip.  I want to have a nice car for them to drive. Those are the desires of my heart.  I know these things are not important. In fact, my kids have had to work for everything they have. This is a good thing. They are so strong and appreciate the things they have learned. They also are really proud of the things they have accomplished. However...in my heart of hearts I wish for something different.

The other day I was having a pity party.  One of those days when you feel like you are failing and wishing you could give more than you have. I went to my room early and pulled out a book and started reading.  I was trying to give myself an attitude adjustment.  I wasn't in their more than 10 minutes when my 19 year old daughter came b-bopping in and jumped on my bed with her book.  We started talking and laughing.  Pretty soon my 16 year old son and 14 year old son ended up in my room as well.  We were cracking jokes and laughing and teasing.  My boys were standing in the bathroom off my bedroom looking at themselves shirtless in the mirror and were discussing life events like how many chest hairs they had and who had the biggest traps when the spirit spoke to me and told me that this was what life was about. These were the moments that I wanted to cherish.  For that one instance my life was perfect.  I had my kids with me, we were happy and so content being together.  The spirit bore witness to me that for that moment my life was perfect.


I have a saying on my wall over my piano. It says " Enjoy the little things in life because one day you will look back and they will be the big things".  This was a little thing...my kids laughing and joking and enjoying being together. I know that moment was a tender mercy from the Lord. He reminded me of the immense blessings these children are in my life.  He reminded me that my life is perfect. For that small moment, everything was perfect!

My missionary

I love missionaries!  I don't really know how I became the mission mom in my area, but I did and I am so glad.  I think it started when my oldest left on his mission.  I kept thinking that if I took care of the Elders in my area then a nice woman in Samoa would take care of my son  there.  It started with feeding them once a month. They somehow weasel their way into your heart.  For a while I fed them every Sunday, but realized that other people wanted to feed them on Sunday. Now I sign up a couple Sunday's a month and feed them on days when no one has signed up or they were cancelled on. I have served them in many ways, but have found that more often than not, they just need someone to listen to them and give them motherly advice.

Well...My beautiful daughter told me a month ago that she is going to serve a mission. She completely blew me out of the water. I can't believe it! She has NEVER shown an interest in serving a mission.  I have asked her repeatedly over the years and the answer was always no. However, I knew my daughter and I knew that if the Lord wanted her to serve, then she would. Apparently in February she had a dream the she opened her mission call and was sent to Guam.  She said that as she woke she contemplated the dream and decided she needed to pray again and ask the Lord if she should serve a mission.  She received the answer Yes! I have never served, so I don't know the emotions you must go through when you receive revelation like that but she must have mulled it over for some time since she didn't tell me until June.  I was shocked.  She is in college and planning on attending medical school.  She has a LOT of schooling ahead of her.

The one thing I know is that my daughter loves the Lord. She will be an amazing missionary! Her life will be changed forever because of her decision to serve.  I know this is true!  I know it will be one of the best decisions she will ever make. I am not going to lie...My heart is broken just a little bit.  I am being completely selfish right now.  Savannah is my best friend! Even though she attends college on the complete opposite side of the country and she is gone 9 months out of the year, we talk, text, or face time almost every day.  She is my biggest supporter. She knows exactly what to say to me to make my day.   I know its selfish, but I am going to miss her desperately! Recently she told me "Mom, we are relationship goals" I wasn't exactly sure what she meant, but she told me that other people want what we have in a relationship. They want the kind of relationship we have.

Giving up seeing your child is tough, but even tougher is not being able to hear her voice and seeing her face.  We are able to email once a week and we get to talk/skype them on Christmas and on Mothers Day.  I have spent many an hour pondering why a church who love families and who's doctrine revolves around the importance of families would ask their young men at the young age of 18 to leave their families and really have very little contact with their families for 2 years for men and 18 months for women.  This is what I have come up with.  The Lord loves all of this children so much and wants all of them to have the opportunity to have His gospel.  He also knows how incredible the mission will be for the child serving.  They learn and grow so much personally that the Lord knew how valuable it would be for them to serve.  I love a saying that describes a missionary like this:

Missionary: a person who leaves their family for a short time so that others can be with theirs for eternity.

In my opinion, this is why the Lord asks us to give up or children to go serve Him. This is why he asks us to sacrifice and literally consecrate our children to Him.  He loves everyone on this earth and wants them to know of Him and come to Him.  The gospel changes lives.  It has made all the difference in mine! This is why it is possible to let your child fly off to a foreign country for 18-24 months with little contact.  It is all worth it!  When you begin getting emails and letters from them sharing their stories of changing others lives, then it is all worth it.  So, even though it is hard to let them go, all I have to say is Bring it on baby!

Taking back my life one WOD at a time!

Last summer I was invited to go on a boating trip with some friends.  We stayed in their beautiful vacation home and went boating everyday at the lake.  We had such a great time and was a much needed vacation. I had no idea that this trip would be the beginning of a big change in my life.  Our friends do not believe in letting people sit behind their boat in a tube and be dragged around the lake.  They don't even own a tube.  You either knee board, ski, or wake board.  On the first day, I headed out in the boat thinking that I would probably knee board at some point.  It was a cooler day and I wasn't sure I really wanted to get in the water.  The short version is that I jumped out in the water with the intent to knee board.  I could not pull myself up on it.  I tried several times to get myself up on the board and could not do it.  So, I let him drag me around the lake for a while until my arms were too tired and then let go.  I was so embarrassed that I could not get up on the board.  Everyone else seemed to get up with no problem.  After getting back on the boat, which was terrifying in itself because I was afraid I couldn't pull myself back up there after that drag around the lake, I had a deep conversation with myself.  I have always been"big boned", but up until the last couple of years it has not stopped me from doing the things I wanted to do.  Well...it stopped me in a big way.  I wanted to be able to do fun things with my kids and friends.  I had a choice to make.  I could do something about myself or I could just stay on the shore.

Months before this event, I had told my kids I wanted to hike South Sisters which is a difficult hike with exceedingly steep, difficult trail.  I wanted to do this to prove to myself that I could do something hard.  I kept talking about it but never began training despite the promptings from my daughter who tried to get me out to do some hikes.  Well, the months flew by and here it was August.  My daughter was getting ready to head back to college and she was going to hike South Sisters before the summer was over.  So, her and her brother hiked it.  I told her I couldn't make it.  She still wanted me to go and told me she would help me.  I knew I couldn't do it.  So, again...I stayed home while my kids went on a grand adventure.  This about killed me on one hand and also was a huge relief on the other.  

Up to this point, I had been walking on a regular basis.  I had even walked a half marathon a couple months before.  I thought I was doing well.  WRONG!  I decided I needed to make a change.  Walking was not doing the trick.  So I started adding elements into my walks.  I began doing other body weight movements such as squats, lunges, planks, push ups to name a few.  It was amazing!  I started to see results.  I dropped weight and went down dress sizes.  I was working out every day and was feeling like a million bucks!  Then I injured my achilles tendon.  I don't know how! I just woke up and was in pain in my ankle.  I tried to work out but was worried about hurting myself more.  I stopped.  I kept telling myself I will let myself heal up and get back at it.

Fast forward to New Years! I was eating really well and still having small victories in the lifestyle change but I was frustrated. I wanted to speed this process up.  My oldest son had just proposed to his girlfriend and we were going to have a wedding in a few months.  I wanted to look the best I possibly could.  I started talking to a friend about crossfit.  He had told me about it before, but I thought it was for people who were in amazing shape.  Not someone like me who was fat, out of shape and old.  I also talked to my daughter who is always the optimist and said "Mom, you should totally do it!"

To say I was terrified is definitely playing down my emotions.  I had never been so scared of anything in a LONG, LONG, time! I mulled this over and over and over.  I squashed down panic attacks over  the thought of entering a crossfit gym.  I talked to a few people who crossfit and called the owner of the box (crossfit lingo for the gym).  I told him I was 44 years old and fat and out of shape.  He said come on down anyway. You won't be the oldest one there!  So, on Saturday of that week, I made my way to Harvest Crossfit.  I remember the fear as I sat out on the street.  No one was there yet and I prayed that they had cancelled the Saturday class. No such luck!  The cutest couple walked up and unlocked the door.  They looked over at me several times and smiled.  I put my shoes on and pulled up my big girl pants and walked into the gym.

The workout seemed so difficult...my memories include a lot of squats and push ups.  I remember telling Maclarin that I could only do girl push ups..  She told me I could do boy pushups and showed me how to scale them if I needed to.  I had no idea at that point that what we did in class that day would soon become my warm up for class every other day.  I left feeling exhausted and unsure of myself.  I didn't know if I could do this! I knew things were going to be bad when I already hurt everywhere and I mean everywhere!  The next day, I could barely move a muscle.  I didn't know there were so many places that could hurt on a persons body.  It literally hurt to breathe. I had no idea how I was going to go workout the next day.  I did have a friend tell me that it would not hurt so bad once I got to the gym.  The next day came and I headed in.  We ran.  Devin, my coach, asked me how long it had been since I ran...I think I told him "A long, long, long time".  I think it was in college, 20 plus years before.  He wanted me to try and run the block without stopping. I was pretty sure I would not be able to do that.  I was right. But it was a starting place,  I had a new goal. Run around the city block without stopping.  Seems easy, but it wasn't! This began my crossfit journey.

I am almost to my 3 month anniversary of joining cross fit.  I LOVE it.  This is a new discovery because up until the last week, I could not say that.  Something has changed inside of me.  I have realized that cross fit is more than pushing your body to its limits.  It also is pushing your mind to its limits.  I am repeatedly amazed at what the body will do when pushed by the mind.  There are days when I walk into the gym and look up on the board and see what the WOD (workout of the day) is and want to turn around and run (I never want to run...but maybe power walk) out of that place.  It scares me!  I am afraid of not finishing the workout or how long it will  take me.  I am afraid of throwing up.  I am afraid of being pointed out as the fat lady.I am afraid of being the last one done.  I am afraid of being the odd man out.  I don't want any of those things to happen.  I obviously knew nothing about cross fit.

I am one of the fattest people at the gym. So what!  I am usually the last one done with the workout. So What! I have never not finished a work out and I haven't thrown up yet.  So what if I do! Lots of people do because they are pushing themselves so hard. Many times when it is a timed workout I am the last one done but guess what...everyone in my class is waiting to cheer me on while they try and catch their breath.  They aren't watching what I am doing, they are trying to get through their workout the fastest and most efficient way they know how.  They always have encouraging words to say to me.  Every single day I hear someone say "Nice job" or "Keep it up" or "You can do it" or "You got this".  I love the people in my box.  This is a community of people who encourage and support you.  They aren't looking at you like "Who is the fat girl?" they are looking at you with respect because they know how flippin hard it is to do the workouts everyday.  They are some of the hardest working, most encouraging people I know.

Most important...Crossfit has changed who I am mentally.  EVERY. SINGLE.DAY that I leave that gym I know I did something hard and I am so stinking proud of myself! I push myself everyday to become a better person.  I am not afraid of what I can and can't do because I know that if I think I can make it or not doesn't really matter...I am going to make it.  I don't think my coach will let me quit and I am way to competitive to not finish.  I am proud of what I do every day.  You bet your butt its hard.  I have realized that ANYTHING that is of value is hard.  This is of value...this is important!
During a particularly difficult workout the Fight song came on.  I literally started crying during my workout when it says "This is my fight song, take back my life song"  I feel like crossfit has done that for me.  It has given me the opportunity to take back my life.  I AM going to hike South Sister with my kids and I will probably bawl like a baby at the top.  I am going to get up on that knee board and anything else I want to do in my life.  I am taking back my life one WOD at a time!

Tight like a dish

In my study of the Book of Mormon, one of my favorite books is Ether.  One statement has always caused me to reflect.  The Lord is instructing the brother of Jared in building the barges they will use to cross the ocean. He describes the barges by saying they were "tight like a dish".  I have always wondered why that is repeated so many times in this chapter.  After much contemplation this last week I think I have come to one possible scenario.  I think the brother of Jared was trying to teach us something. I think he was trying to tell us that as we cross the oceans in our life that it is not always going to be easy sailing.  There are going to be rough waters that will toss us here and there.  There are going to be times where we are literally plunged deep into the ocean.  We will be buried by things along our journey.  We will be swallowed by the water all around us.  We will think that we will never surface again.  However, we are tight like a dish.  I remember when I was a kid we would play in the river or the pool and we would take a ball and put it under the water and sit on it or hold it between our legs. It would stay under the water for a little while and then shoot out from under you and come flying to the top of the water.  It was tight like a dish.  No mater how many times the ball was buried in the water it always shot to the top of the water.  We are like that ball.  No matter how many times the waves of life crash down on us and bury us deep in the water we will come shooting to the top of the water.  I love the fact that the waves that push us down under the water are also the exact thing that push us to where we want to go.  Without the storm pushing the waves which in turn push us down under the water, we would never move forward. It is the storm that moves us closer to the desired destination.  I know this is true in my life.  I can see that during the hardest trials is when I made the biggest push towards the person I was meant to become and made the  fastest strides in the direction I wanted to go.  The storm which can sometimes be terrifying especially when we stay down deep under the water is a necessary and much needed step in our lives. The storms are scary but without them our progress would be stagnant.  We can't move forward without them.

I am so grateful for all the things I have learned from the Book of Mormon.  I finished reading it this week.  Everytime I read it I get a powerful witness of my Lord and Savior.  I am profoundly grateful for his sacrifice for me.  I know that his power sustains me when I am buried in the depths of the ocean.  I am however tight like a dish and will always resurface!

Some women are lost in the fire, some women are built from it

Refining (as in non-metallurgical uses) consists of purifying an impure material, in this case a metal. It is to be distinguished from other processes such as smelting and calcining in that those two involve a chemical change to the raw material, whereas in refining, the final material is usually identical chemically to the original one, only it is purer.

When I read this definition there were a couple of words  that jumped out at me.The first one was purifying an impure material.  The next was change and the last was purer.  

I think this summarizes what happens to us when we go through the refiners fire.  We are impure material.  Every. Single. One. of us is impure.  We make mistakes, we sin, we do wrong.  I am not saying that the reason we have to go through hard things is  because of sin, but sometimes it is.  Those times are extremely painful because we know that we could have avoided the pain we are in.  However, we are being changed and we can either embrace the change or fight against it.  

The Lord is purifying us.  He is taking the "raw material" and heating it up, hammering us to mold us into what he want us to be. We have to change and that happens through the refiners fire. I love this quote by James E. Faust:

The Divine Shepherd has a message of hope, strength, and deliverance for all. If  there were no night, we would not appreciate the day, nor could we see the stars and the vastness of the heavens. We must partake of the bitter with the sweet.   There is a divine purpose in the adversities we encounter every day. They 
prepare, they purge, they purify, and thus they bless.

One of the good things that comes from going through the refiners fire is that you are then able to succor those who may be going through their own.  I have found this to be true every time I have had a trial. The Lord will never leave us alone in our trial.  He has promised us that He won't give us more than we can handle.  Together with the Lord you can handle anything.  He knows that we have to be put through the refiners fire.  He wants us to change and become better.  He knows our worth.  He wants us to purify our-self and then go and help purify others.

So how do your survive the refiners fire?  How do you survive the pain of the intense heat you are being exposed to? I can only share what worked for me.




I have several experiences that I would consider refiners fire but many of them are too personal to share in such a public place.  I will share the most recent and that is my divorce.  I did not want the divorce, I did not ask for the divorce and frankly I would probably still be married right now if my husband of 21 years hadn't left.  I would have continued being miserable and unhappy and hating every part of my marriage.  I desperately wanted a two parent home for my children...so much so that I stayed in a miserable relationship for years.  I don't think I had any idea the kind of pain I was about to endure.  I was anguished and continued to allow him to hurt me by his actions.  I was in extreme pain.  I was forced to my knees by the pain.  I KNEW I could not do this without the Lord.  I developed a relationship with my Savior I did not know I could have.  He succored me.  He healed my broken heart. One experience in particular really changed my life.  About 6 years ago I was serving as the Stake Girls Camp Director.  One of the things I asked the Stake Youth Leaders to do was to memorize the Living Christ.  None of them did it however my 13 year old daughter and I did. It was a wonderful experience and I would recommend it to everyone!  We memorized it while we were driving in the car.  I had no idea that that one act inspired by the Lord for me so many years before would literally save my life.  One day while I was at work, I went in the bathroom and kneeled down on the floor and told the Lord how much I hated feeling like I did.  I didn't want the hate and anger and despair in my heart anymore.  He whispered to me "Recite the Living Christ".  So I did.  Every time I had a hateful, ugly thought I would begin again "As we commemorate the birth of Jesus Christ..." EVERY Time the ugliness would leave me, the darkness and despair would dissipate and the spirit of the Lord would envelop me.  This moment was the beginning of healing for me.  It was a SLOW process with many tears shed, many counseling appointments, many walks with my best friend which were more about the talk then the walk, and visits with my bishop. But, the healing began. I learned so much about myself.  It was a time of self discovery and becoming the woman I want to be. I have changed for the better. I have come through the refiners fire and am so much stronger than I ever thought possible.  Life is not perfect for me.  I have many struggles however I have a clearer vision of who I am and who I want to become. Would I wish this kind of pain on anyone?  No way! However I can see the Lord's purifying power in me.  He is molding me into what he wants me to become. He is forging me through the refiners fire and I know it will be worth it! I am  do glad that I was not lost in the fire.  I know that with the Lord by my side I can become all he wants me to. I am being built through my refiners fire.


This video shares an incredible message of the refiners fire.
https://www.lds.org/media-library/video/2014-11-010-the-refiners-fire?lang=eng