Taking back my life one WOD at a time!

Last summer I was invited to go on a boating trip with some friends.  We stayed in their beautiful vacation home and went boating everyday at the lake.  We had such a great time and was a much needed vacation. I had no idea that this trip would be the beginning of a big change in my life.  Our friends do not believe in letting people sit behind their boat in a tube and be dragged around the lake.  They don't even own a tube.  You either knee board, ski, or wake board.  On the first day, I headed out in the boat thinking that I would probably knee board at some point.  It was a cooler day and I wasn't sure I really wanted to get in the water.  The short version is that I jumped out in the water with the intent to knee board.  I could not pull myself up on it.  I tried several times to get myself up on the board and could not do it.  So, I let him drag me around the lake for a while until my arms were too tired and then let go.  I was so embarrassed that I could not get up on the board.  Everyone else seemed to get up with no problem.  After getting back on the boat, which was terrifying in itself because I was afraid I couldn't pull myself back up there after that drag around the lake, I had a deep conversation with myself.  I have always been"big boned", but up until the last couple of years it has not stopped me from doing the things I wanted to do.  Well...it stopped me in a big way.  I wanted to be able to do fun things with my kids and friends.  I had a choice to make.  I could do something about myself or I could just stay on the shore.

Months before this event, I had told my kids I wanted to hike South Sisters which is a difficult hike with exceedingly steep, difficult trail.  I wanted to do this to prove to myself that I could do something hard.  I kept talking about it but never began training despite the promptings from my daughter who tried to get me out to do some hikes.  Well, the months flew by and here it was August.  My daughter was getting ready to head back to college and she was going to hike South Sisters before the summer was over.  So, her and her brother hiked it.  I told her I couldn't make it.  She still wanted me to go and told me she would help me.  I knew I couldn't do it.  So, again...I stayed home while my kids went on a grand adventure.  This about killed me on one hand and also was a huge relief on the other.  

Up to this point, I had been walking on a regular basis.  I had even walked a half marathon a couple months before.  I thought I was doing well.  WRONG!  I decided I needed to make a change.  Walking was not doing the trick.  So I started adding elements into my walks.  I began doing other body weight movements such as squats, lunges, planks, push ups to name a few.  It was amazing!  I started to see results.  I dropped weight and went down dress sizes.  I was working out every day and was feeling like a million bucks!  Then I injured my achilles tendon.  I don't know how! I just woke up and was in pain in my ankle.  I tried to work out but was worried about hurting myself more.  I stopped.  I kept telling myself I will let myself heal up and get back at it.

Fast forward to New Years! I was eating really well and still having small victories in the lifestyle change but I was frustrated. I wanted to speed this process up.  My oldest son had just proposed to his girlfriend and we were going to have a wedding in a few months.  I wanted to look the best I possibly could.  I started talking to a friend about crossfit.  He had told me about it before, but I thought it was for people who were in amazing shape.  Not someone like me who was fat, out of shape and old.  I also talked to my daughter who is always the optimist and said "Mom, you should totally do it!"

To say I was terrified is definitely playing down my emotions.  I had never been so scared of anything in a LONG, LONG, time! I mulled this over and over and over.  I squashed down panic attacks over  the thought of entering a crossfit gym.  I talked to a few people who crossfit and called the owner of the box (crossfit lingo for the gym).  I told him I was 44 years old and fat and out of shape.  He said come on down anyway. You won't be the oldest one there!  So, on Saturday of that week, I made my way to Harvest Crossfit.  I remember the fear as I sat out on the street.  No one was there yet and I prayed that they had cancelled the Saturday class. No such luck!  The cutest couple walked up and unlocked the door.  They looked over at me several times and smiled.  I put my shoes on and pulled up my big girl pants and walked into the gym.

The workout seemed so difficult...my memories include a lot of squats and push ups.  I remember telling Maclarin that I could only do girl push ups..  She told me I could do boy pushups and showed me how to scale them if I needed to.  I had no idea at that point that what we did in class that day would soon become my warm up for class every other day.  I left feeling exhausted and unsure of myself.  I didn't know if I could do this! I knew things were going to be bad when I already hurt everywhere and I mean everywhere!  The next day, I could barely move a muscle.  I didn't know there were so many places that could hurt on a persons body.  It literally hurt to breathe. I had no idea how I was going to go workout the next day.  I did have a friend tell me that it would not hurt so bad once I got to the gym.  The next day came and I headed in.  We ran.  Devin, my coach, asked me how long it had been since I ran...I think I told him "A long, long, long time".  I think it was in college, 20 plus years before.  He wanted me to try and run the block without stopping. I was pretty sure I would not be able to do that.  I was right. But it was a starting place,  I had a new goal. Run around the city block without stopping.  Seems easy, but it wasn't! This began my crossfit journey.

I am almost to my 3 month anniversary of joining cross fit.  I LOVE it.  This is a new discovery because up until the last week, I could not say that.  Something has changed inside of me.  I have realized that cross fit is more than pushing your body to its limits.  It also is pushing your mind to its limits.  I am repeatedly amazed at what the body will do when pushed by the mind.  There are days when I walk into the gym and look up on the board and see what the WOD (workout of the day) is and want to turn around and run (I never want to run...but maybe power walk) out of that place.  It scares me!  I am afraid of not finishing the workout or how long it will  take me.  I am afraid of throwing up.  I am afraid of being pointed out as the fat lady.I am afraid of being the last one done.  I am afraid of being the odd man out.  I don't want any of those things to happen.  I obviously knew nothing about cross fit.

I am one of the fattest people at the gym. So what!  I am usually the last one done with the workout. So What! I have never not finished a work out and I haven't thrown up yet.  So what if I do! Lots of people do because they are pushing themselves so hard. Many times when it is a timed workout I am the last one done but guess what...everyone in my class is waiting to cheer me on while they try and catch their breath.  They aren't watching what I am doing, they are trying to get through their workout the fastest and most efficient way they know how.  They always have encouraging words to say to me.  Every single day I hear someone say "Nice job" or "Keep it up" or "You can do it" or "You got this".  I love the people in my box.  This is a community of people who encourage and support you.  They aren't looking at you like "Who is the fat girl?" they are looking at you with respect because they know how flippin hard it is to do the workouts everyday.  They are some of the hardest working, most encouraging people I know.

Most important...Crossfit has changed who I am mentally.  EVERY. SINGLE.DAY that I leave that gym I know I did something hard and I am so stinking proud of myself! I push myself everyday to become a better person.  I am not afraid of what I can and can't do because I know that if I think I can make it or not doesn't really matter...I am going to make it.  I don't think my coach will let me quit and I am way to competitive to not finish.  I am proud of what I do every day.  You bet your butt its hard.  I have realized that ANYTHING that is of value is hard.  This is of value...this is important!
During a particularly difficult workout the Fight song came on.  I literally started crying during my workout when it says "This is my fight song, take back my life song"  I feel like crossfit has done that for me.  It has given me the opportunity to take back my life.  I AM going to hike South Sister with my kids and I will probably bawl like a baby at the top.  I am going to get up on that knee board and anything else I want to do in my life.  I am taking back my life one WOD at a time!